How to Survive and Thrive in Hardcore Platformers

4 December 2024

Let’s face it. Hardcore platformers are, in so many words, the video game equivalent of that one gym instructor who’d yell, "Feel the burn!" while you’re just trying not to pass out. These games are designed to test every ounce of your patience, reflexes, and—let’s be honest—your sanity. From Celeste to Super Meat Boy and even the notoriously unforgiving Cuphead, these games are not here to make friends. They’re here to turn you into confetti and laugh while doing it.

But don’t uninstall just yet! With the right mindset, a few practical tips, and a sense of humor, you can go from rage-quitting five minutes in to triumphantly standing atop the bloodied corpses of pixel-perfect jumps. Alright, maybe not literally bloodied corpses, but you get the point. Sit tight, grab your controller, and let’s jump in (pun intended, obviously).

What Even Are Hardcore Platformers?

Before we learn how to survive them, let’s clarify what we’re dealing with here. Hardcore platformers are games where precision is king and mistakes are the court jesters—you’ll make a lot of them, and they’ll mock you for it. These games throw challenges at you faster than your brain can process. Miss a jump by a pixel? Dead. Press the wrong button? Dead. Blink at the wrong time? Guess what? Dead.

Think of these games as the spicy food of gaming—people play them for the thrill, the bragging rights, and, let’s be honest, a little masochism. They’re tough, but completing a level feels like winning the lottery. Except instead of money, you get...well, the satisfaction of not sucking. Glorious, isn’t it?

Step 1: Embrace the Suck (At First)

Here’s a harsh truth: You will suck. Accept it. Bask in it. Hardcore platformers aren’t the kind of games where you pick up the controller and immediately crush it. That’s like expecting to nail a backflip your first day at gymnastics. Nope, you’re going to trip, fall, and land on your face more than a toddler learning to walk. And that’s okay.

The key is to reframe your failures. Don’t think of them as a "waste of time" or evidence of your lack of skill. Instead, see them for what they really are: free lessons. Every time you die, you’re figuring out what not to do next time. Think of it like cracking a code, but instead of saving a planet, you're just trying to not die for the fiftieth time on the same jump.

Step 2: Learn the Maps Like They’re Your Life (Because They Are)

Hardcore platformers aren’t just about quick reflexes, they’re about pattern recognition. Each level might as well be a finely-tuned Rube Goldberg machine made to destroy you. Spikes, moving platforms, enemies, lava—these elements are meticulously placed to make your life a living hell. But here’s the thing: They don’t change. The enemy you died to last time will still be in that exact same spot, ready to ruin your day again.

This means memorization is your best weapon. Treat these maps like a dance routine. No, scratch that—a death routine, because that’s what it is. Practice each section until you know exactly where to jump, duck, or scream. Remember, it’s not about talent—it’s about repetition. Keep at it until you could run the level in your sleep (and let’s be honest, you’ll probably dream about it out of pure frustration).

Step 3: Patience, Grasshopper

If you’ve got the patience of a caffeine-loaded squirrel, then you’re in trouble. Hardcore platformers are pressure cookers, but the key to not exploding is to stay calm. Don’t rush. I repeat: DO. NOT. RUSH.

These games are a marathon, not a sprint. Sure, that speedrunning video on YouTube might make it look like a walk in the park, but let me assure you—it’s not. Those people have invested hundreds (if not thousands) of hours into shaving milliseconds off their time. You? You’re just trying not to implode.

Take a breath, analyze your surroundings, and approach each section like it’s a puzzle. And if you find yourself stuck? Pause the game, walk away, and stare at the ceiling for a while. Sometimes, your brain needs a little reset before it can tackle that one impossible section without launching your controller into orbit.

Step 4: Accept That the Game Is Cheating (Sort Of)

You know that feeling when you’re sure you made a perfect jump, but the game says, “Nope, not today”? Yeah, that’s hardcore platformers for you. The hitboxes can be unforgiving. The platforms might move a smidge faster than you’d like. And don’t get me started on those enemy attack patterns that feel like they were designed by a caffeinated evil genius.

The thing is, these games want you to feel like they’re out to get you. And in a way, they are. They’re testing your limits, pushing your buttons (figuratively and literally), and seeing if you’ll keep going despite the sheer absurdity of it all. The sooner you accept that the game is “cheating” (or at least feels like it is), the easier it’ll be to chill out and laugh about it. Well, maybe after the rage subsides.

Step 5: Don’t Underestimate Small Wins

Clearing a single tough jump? That deserves a fist pump. Making it past a section you’ve died on 37 times? Cue the Rocky theme song. Hardcore platformers are all about celebrating the small victories. Sure, you might still have 15 checkpoints left to go, but it’s those little wins that keep you going.

Think of it like trying to eat an entire pizza by yourself. You don’t focus on the whole pie—you just take it one slice at a time. Before you know it, you’re stuffed and victorious. (Side note: Hardcore gamers probably burn the same amount of calories sweating through these games as eating that pizza.)

Step 6: Use the Right Tools for the Job

Playing with the wrong controller in a hardcore platformer is like trying to build a house with plastic utensils—it’s technically possible, but you’re going to have a bad time. Make sure your gear is up to par. A decent controller with responsive buttons is a must. If you’re playing on PC, consider investing in a good gamepad. Keyboard controls aren’t for the faint of heart.

Additionally, tweak those settings! Some hardcore platformers offer accessibility options like button remapping. Don’t be afraid to make adjustments. It’s not cheating—it’s smart gaming.

Step 7: Remember to Have Fun (Yes, Really)

This might sound ridiculous given everything we’ve just discussed, but yes, you can have fun with hardcore platformers. There’s something deeply rewarding about finally nailing that one impossible jump or outsmarting that tricky enemy. It’s like solving a Rubik’s Cube—frustrating as heck while you’re in the thick of it, but oh-so-satisfying once it clicks.

If you find yourself ready to throw hands with your monitor, remind yourself why you’re playing in the first place. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about the journey, the laughs (and cries), and the sweet, sweet victory of yelling “FINALLY!” when you clear a level.

Final Thoughts

Hardcore platformers are not for the faint of heart. They’ll test your patience, your reflexes, and occasionally your faith in humanity. But they’ll also reward you in ways few other games can. That sense of accomplishment? It’s like reaching the summit of Mount Everest but with less frostbite and more pixelated spikes.

So next time you find yourself throwing yet another tantrum after falling into the same pit for the nth time, take a deep breath, laugh it off, and hit that "retry" button. You’ve got this. Probably.